Confusion
Haight Street S.F., CA taken by Kris
So the plans for myself have slowly been changing in my head. The final question I must confront is "where to next?" If at all, the decisions I make, I make for myself. That is a key dilemma. But, what happens when you have a partner thats been waiting ever so patiently for the return of someone he is so deeply in love with, and she (as he states) is so selfish that for her there is only "I" and no "we". With relationships come compromise and why am I so unwilling to do just that? Is it the fact that maybe I just am not ready to step into the unknown of relationship bliss and having to care for more than just myself? I don't think that's it. I love love, or maybe it is the idea of love. I do admit that if I loved him as truly as I did when we were together, I would remain faithful to him over time and distance. Alas, that has been my downfall. One night stands and why not months of consensual sex leaves me remaining alone and unfulfulled. Next I meet people who I find to be some of the best people I meet in my whole time here in this awful city. What was once unbearable, is now enjoyable. I even met someone who if given enough time, I would love as I do, my three best friends in the world. And yes, I slept with him too.
I seem to put so much importance in my experiences and relationships I have with particular individuals. Maybe because these certain people make me feel comfortable in my own skin and also make me feel happy being who I am. All I ask for is acceptance and nonjudgment- a friend to a friend. But maybe that is also my defence. I know I do things that are wrong. I awknowledge and accept those facts. I just need to learn from them and move on.
So now, I have less than a month here. My visa expires in March. My time here has ended. I am in like with a boy who is painfully shy. Given the circumstances, that too will end. Besides, I haven't even bothered to ask him what he thinks. So, the question still remains, "where to next?"
So the plans for myself have slowly been changing in my head. The final question I must confront is "where to next?" If at all, the decisions I make, I make for myself. That is a key dilemma. But, what happens when you have a partner thats been waiting ever so patiently for the return of someone he is so deeply in love with, and she (as he states) is so selfish that for her there is only "I" and no "we". With relationships come compromise and why am I so unwilling to do just that? Is it the fact that maybe I just am not ready to step into the unknown of relationship bliss and having to care for more than just myself? I don't think that's it. I love love, or maybe it is the idea of love. I do admit that if I loved him as truly as I did when we were together, I would remain faithful to him over time and distance. Alas, that has been my downfall. One night stands and why not months of consensual sex leaves me remaining alone and unfulfulled. Next I meet people who I find to be some of the best people I meet in my whole time here in this awful city. What was once unbearable, is now enjoyable. I even met someone who if given enough time, I would love as I do, my three best friends in the world. And yes, I slept with him too.I seem to put so much importance in my experiences and relationships I have with particular individuals. Maybe because these certain people make me feel comfortable in my own skin and also make me feel happy being who I am. All I ask for is acceptance and nonjudgment- a friend to a friend. But maybe that is also my defence. I know I do things that are wrong. I awknowledge and accept those facts. I just need to learn from them and move on.
So now, I have less than a month here. My visa expires in March. My time here has ended. I am in like with a boy who is painfully shy. Given the circumstances, that too will end. Besides, I haven't even bothered to ask him what he thinks. So, the question still remains, "where to next?"
posted by Juniper at 4:28 AM
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