Cold

I was speaking to Jacob yesterday morning. It was 6 a.m. and the night shadows had turned into the deepest grey. I had been home from a night on the town, sober. Josh and I had met up with one of his friends, Jacky who he hadn't seen hung out with in over 8 years. We then had a Valley night, all the freaks and geeks coming out to play for the first week of uni has begun. I ran into some Norwegian friends and we sat and drank coffee from 11 p.m. til 1 a.m. watching the cat and mouse games of all the boys and girls.

waiting for bus McAllister St. San Francisco, CA 2003


I left my other friends to their own motivations while I caught up with Fride, Kristen, Monica, Elleyn, and Neha.

Later on we caught up with Mr. 1ee7 and cruised by to his new house and drank whatever shit booze was left in the house by the last tenants. Let's just say, i didn't drink much (I was also unable to stomach anything that day. Think about it... thats why I was sober.).
Anyway, home was got past 3 am and I was up for hours and couldn't sleep. Which leads us back to where I started. I was talking on the phone to
Jacob yeasterday morning.
I was telling him about how I felt with people around me and that I was somehow shutting them out to my cares and worries and who I truly am or can be as a person. I justify that action by making myself believe that any of these people could really give 2 shits about whats happening in my lives which are not directly connected to them in any way. But these issues are core, to the roots of my being it takes me there and has a hold on my everyday life. I feel as if I have turned cold, numbed my whole being, and am treating it like shit.
My inability to express myself fully, this acting like a turtle in it's shell has got to stop.
Jacob mentioned his own experiences of leaving a place and shutting people out because limited time meant weaker bonds. I've also made some really bad decision that I know will take my life in a completely other direction.
I feel my decision to move back to Chicago a justifiable one and if a person were to think like a robot (as many asians do) and follow one's head instead of one's heart, then going to Chicago is the aye-okay decision for me!
There are matters of the healing and forgiveness part of the past, which takes me back to Chicago, the place where it all began, the place where I ran away from...

View fr. apartment, corner of Belmont and Halsted, Chicago IL 2001

It seems like I am preparing myself for the cold. It's turned me cold here as well. But it's not only that reason.
My last blog was a letter from Jason, my love in Thailand. I never knew a love like him before, and I am afraid I will never find a love like him ever again. I had promises of a life with him in Thailand, to work there for 2 years until he was ready to leave, anywhere in the world which suited me. I would have possibly seen myself with a person I could grow with and sharing and learning. I almost believe that this ending will be one of the biggest mistakes I will make in my life. But somehow, I must return to the place which I have avoided for so long. It's going to be so cold. In the end, I reap what I sow. Maybe this time, I will go away, having learned how to heal, and thus in turn having the ability to truly feel.