Floored

How is it that I become completely floored by speaking to someone in my past, when I thought I was completely over it. Admittedly, I never wanted to see him or speak with him again, but had no reason to remember or to justify why I felt that way. But, upon that surprise phonecall, I am brought to memories of a person that left me a shell and of which I had to work hard to rebuild myself into the person I am today. Speaking to him was strange. He hadn't seemed to change except that he had a well paying job, and his wife was pregnant with their first child. He didn't seem interested in talking about her or life as a family man, he seemed to want to try and reconnect with me. But in a way that was trying to show off or prove to me that he made it. he's not a loser and he has a good job. Who am I to judge? He has nothing to prove to me, but I guess it seems to him that I am the one that got away. As for me? Thank FUCK!
He tried to credit me for showing him a different path in life, a different way of thinking, yet didn't seem to acknowledge his part in my own downfall. I don't blame him for it, in fact I credit him for teaching me about the insanity of dealing with people with severe drug addictions, overcoming childhood abuse and the effects of that abuse in choosing romantic partners. I made some BIG mistakes and he was one of them. I guess I can call it a learning experience. I truly have no regrets. I learned a lot about the darkside. My naivity was shattered. I learned about the nature of different kinds of people. My compassion for humanity still has not waned. I have only grown from it.
Speaking to him, I felt dirty and vacant. I was reminded of myself as how I once was and how I am now. I never want to go back to that place and I never want to see or speak to him again. I was relieved J- called me and I ended that conversation.
Which brings me to the present... Why do I feel the way I do now? Although I have forgiveness, why am I still angry? Angry for allowing myself to be involved in that. I know I could say I was young and naive, that low self worth, low self-esteem, and poor examples of a lot of things contributed to the decisions I made at that time in my life. But the fact that I feel he doesn't seem to acknowledgee his own role of which it has taken me years to rebuild in myself and of my relationships with people, family, and friends. For me to be okay with him, I think he needs to acknowledge his manipulativeness in regards to me. Or at least hear me out in terms of how I feel on that past wish I would rather forget. I won't be able to deal with him otherwise. In fact, I don't want to deal with him at all. The key word there is DEAL.
I now fully understand when I hear stories of people cutting others out of their lives. I understand.




*images are of Adrian Ward, an artist from Nimbin, demonstrating the use of his "mind machine." (before, after, and close-up)

Artist's studio, Nimbin AU, 2004

** images are NOT of the subject in this blog and is a loose interpretation of how"my mind is BLOWN, man!"