Confusion

Haight Street S.F., CA taken by Kris
So the plans for myself have slowly been changing in my head. The final question I must confront is "where to next?" If at all, the decisions I make, I make for myself. That is a key dilemma. But, what happens when you have a partner thats been waiting ever so patiently for the return of someone he is so deeply in love with, and she (as he states) is so selfish that for her there is only "I" and no "we". With relationships come compromise and why am I so unwilling to do just that? Is it the fact that maybe I just am not ready to step into the unknown of relationship bliss and having to care for more than just myself? I don't think that's it. I love love, or maybe it is the idea of love. I do admit that if I loved him as truly as I did when we were together, I would remain faithful to him over time and distance. Alas, that has been my downfall. One night stands and why not months of consensual sex leaves me remaining alone and unfulfulled. Next I meet people who I find to be some of the best people I meet in my whole time here in this awful city. What was once unbearable, is now enjoyable. I even met someone who if given enough time, I would love as I do, my three best friends in the world. And yes, I slept with him too.
I seem to put so much importance in my experiences and relationships I have with particular individuals. Maybe because these certain people make me feel comfortable in my own skin and also make me feel happy being who I am. All I ask for is acceptance and nonjudgment- a friend to a friend. But maybe that is also my defence. I know I do things that are wrong. I awknowledge and accept those facts. I just need to learn from them and move on.
So now, I have less than a month here. My visa expires in March. My time here has ended. I am in like with a boy who is painfully shy. Given the circumstances, that too will end. Besides, I haven't even bothered to ask him what he thinks. So, the question still remains, "where to next?"

Chicago panorama from the Shedd Aquarium taken by Kris

Bittersweet Irony

This morning I recieved a phone call from the ex-photography convenor and now photo editor for the Sunday Mail. He was looking for a photographer to help shoot a story on Graffiti in Brisbane and how the Lord Mayor wants the city cleaned up of street art. I was to be assigned to photograph a few designated locations around the city, where there would be a few example of graffiti, in which the Courier Mail would portray it to be a public eyesore. He wanted me in right away to discuss the parameters and locations, but unfortunately, I do not own a vehicle and was forced to decline.

The ironic thing about this assignment for the newspaper is that I am currently working on a photo essay about Brisbane graffiti artists and have been out with a few of them, writing and hanging out. If I had been able to do this job for them, it would have been pretty funny if I had an image published in the Sunday Mail under an article about graffiti dirtying up our city of Brisbane. At the same time, I would come out with a photo essay documenting graffiti art and the people behind it. Maybe it's good that I wasn't able to take this assignment. I question whether or not it affects my credibility as a photojournalist, but when it comes to newspaper and editorial work, you get assigned to shoot what they tell you to, with not much/no control over how those images are used. I also would not retain the copyright to those images. But, I do admit, if I had a car, I would have taken that assignment in a heartbeat. Sweet, sweet irony.


Anyways, these are images from last week, taken from a drunken excursion. 1337, Cel 1, Sintax, and Joon reprazent.

Surveys say...

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howboyishorgirlishareyouquiz/">How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out.When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorheartdoyouhavequiz/">What Color Heart Do You Have?

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howdoyouliveyourlifequiz/">How Do You Live Your Life?

Days and Daze

This weekend was filled with music and movies. Saturday was experimental Brit movies and the playing of Greg's band in West End on a rooftop. There was quite a fantastic view and urban feel, I felt happy and at home. I followed Mr. 1337 for some poster pasting and documentary work (but I think I was a little drunk. A LOT of my exposures I know were WAAAY off). The next day was movie marathon with Joshie again and then the next day I saw the Chronic (what?) cles of Narnia with Joshie boy, that fantastic cracka'. Although there were no cupcakes involved.

I'm having a bad day today, not a story I would like to share. But I have a bit of pent up aggression and would really love to bat a particular person in the knee or possibly, step on his balls. I know this is not a good blog today, I can't seem to write properly, but I just felt I had to post something. So instead of dissapointment at my craptastic life and how I decide to write about it, let's share some of our secrets.

Resolutions

Okay, now I'm not one to make New Years resolutions, but I'm in definate need of one this year. And that is, you ask? To lose weight! They say (who they is, I dunno) that when you hit age 25, your metabolism slows and you can get fat. Well, guess what? I got fat. So, I'll do as I did when I looked like this 5 years ago. Get bronchitis and not eat for a week and then after that, only eat soup once a day... No, no, no... that's not the answer! I guess I'll exercise and try to cut out sugar from my diet. Or something. I was cleaning out my old emails that have accumulated for years and found a cute picture of myself age 21. Me and my best friend at the time, Nate. Chicago, circa 2001. I remember it was the night of the out of control house party they had, where 200 people showed up, most off the street. It was fucking insane. But, I digress. I wanna look like that again.

And if I go through with this act of health and fitness, I'll be like this again... Need I say more?

P.S. If you're wondering why I'm blogging so much is because I am usually a myspace addict. Not as bad as that though. You wanna see bad, here's my sister's profile. I took the photo of her in the buckets. Can you tell I'm really, really BORED?

Ode to Drama Jean

Caprice, Capricious,
On your myspace you're delicious,
You're the only girlfriend I can truly talk to,
How much I love you and value your friendship.
The scenes of our lives always unfold,
Nonjudgmental and complete.
You're the only one I can tell.
Who has accepted me always.


You're the most beautiful woman I know,
Only you know how it is. Only you.
You sexy ass bitch!





Love,
Juniper

It was so nice to speak to Caprice today. I can tell her anything and everything about my life, and she makes me feel okay. I't's all good.

Freedom or Independence?

I think my relationship may be coming to an end. I seem to have to make a choice between freedom and independence. Freedom is a liberty of action, whilst still being bound to outside influences. Freedom of choice still has certain boundaries whether they fall into the categories of personal, mutual, or societal boundaries. Independence is an unwillingness to be under that obligation to others. To be independent is not depending on another's authority or control, or even validation by another being. Freedom and independence therefore, are not mutually exclusive.

I have always sought to be independent, to do what is right for me, without any obligation to another, relationships or otherwise. I write this in relation to my plans of returning to Thailand, to be with someone who has been waiting for me for almost a year. I know that if I extend my stay here in Brissie, this relationship is at an end. I wonder then, is it worth it? I've heard this from my family and friends that if he truly loves me, then he would wait. He feels I am taking advantage of his patience as well as the situation. That I think of no one other than myself. Yet he knows how I am and he fell in love with me because of my fiercely strong will. I know what is right for me is to stay longer. What is right for us is to go back. Do I take the chance and extend my stay knowing that when I do get back to Thailand, he may not be there. We haven't seen each other for 10 months. I admit that I do not know if it is him I love anymore, or is it the idea of him that I love... the memories we shared. I know if I were to have never left his side, that things would be fine. I am easy in a relationship when the person is there with me. I suck at long distance relationships. I've been in enough to know. If he were here with me now, I'd give up my independence in a heartbeat. Do I suffer the consequences knowing that this decision I make can break something so special that it can never be touched again. Or do I remain steady in my belief that there is no be all, end all and that love may follow me some other time? Do I remain selfish and pick independence, or do I compromise and choose freedom? I guess the real question is "Am I ready?" AND of course this issue runs deeper and is more involved than what I am able to put into words here and now. Nothing is just black and white. I am a firm believer in shades of grey.

(on a sidenote, this does not work in relationship to more pressing matters like having a family and/or job and other similar obligations... i am a selfish twat)

Koala Yummies

So, I found these pictures that I forgot I took from about a month ago. It's of 2 separate sleeping Koalas at some sanctuary. I was wondering why I took such a crapola picture of a koala, and then it struck me that the little guy has the cutest sleepy feet ever. He's just chillaxin' on his perfect little branch in his little Koala area at the wildlife sanctuary, waiting for his next feed. In another section was another little Koala bear nose face, just as sleepy, and just as limp.


Awwww, sweetie pie! Look at those little feet. You're like a chocolate hurricane (and so is Guzzi)!


I've been missing a couple of my friends lately. I don't believe I've seen them for over three years now. Strange. I sometimes wonder if when we meet up again, will things fall back into place, or if we have all changed and have grown apart. Everyone has scattered into the wind. A few have left Chicago. I've been away from the states for so long, but I am glad that I have at least found a few of my old Art school friends through myspace. There's only one left that I can't seem to find and that is Eric Hernandez. Eric, where are you?

I guess I miss the companionship and everyday banter that I can have sometimes with people. Doing stupid stuff for fun. Like yesterday for example. I played guess the jelly belly flavor with Josh. I picked a jellybean and gave him 3 choices. He had to guess which one it was. I have to say, something that stupid can be the highlight of my day, I am very easy to please. But, I digress yet again as I always seem to rant and ramble... in my own head. (check this out) But, I do ask myself, why it is always the case that I meet a group of really cool people that I wish I could get to know a lot better, but I have only a month left here. I wonder is that enough time or will it just end up as one of those instances where friendship leads to no more than just acquaintance, and just another experience i get to have in this lifetime. I would hate to think that I spent all this time here with only just a degree and a few shared moments with a few people. Suckasé. Well, I guess it's time to go do something productive, like taking photos. Giddy-yup.

Good Morning

This morning, I was awoken by yelling in my ear. Wait. Let's rewind a few seconds. I was awoken this morning by my mobile ringing and when I answered, it was my mother yelling in my ear. Okay, okay, what did I do you ask, which would warrant a mother's call and subsequent yelling in the ear? Well, I didn't call her back right away. Usually, I am good at it. I call back like the dutiful daughter should call her asian parents back. But, sometimes old habits take hold... I used to go missing for days with their car and return home when I wanted. No wonder I was always in trouble. I was an independent ass of a youth with a car. And, I never tried to hide it. Take my sister for example. Jane always knew how to hide her partying ways. And denial is always good. Am I such an ass that I can't seem to lie about that sort of behavior? My dad's friend in Thailand once asked me if I had ever done drugs and what kinds, so I spit out this long list while my Dad just stared at me shaking his head. Anyways, I digress! This morning I was awoken by yelling in my ear. I felt like this.

Ah well. What a way to start the day. It's funny. My mom just wanted to tell me to hurry the fuk up and leave this city. And what am I spending all my money on? Well, I say Photography is expensivo. At least I know a few things that are happening. Dinner with Josh and Greg I believe is on the agenda. Maybe a misson is in store tonight. And I have to make some phonecalls and plans. Space plans.And on a side note, my boyfriend sent me this email with this link. Ahem. Hmmmm. Yeah. Have a good day.

In It.

It is really hot and lazy daze here, the sun hurts and the sweat rolls off my forehead. It's a new year and I'm lining things up, rearing to go. This is the end for me here in Brisbane, and I am starting almost fresh again. Always a new life I find for myself, I sometimes feel I am running parallel lives. It makes me curious and it makes me feel alive to be able to make the decisions to remain unsettled and take myself to another country entirely and "settle" for a couple of years. This will be the 3rd semi permanent move for me in three years. Next month, I move to Bangkok.
I haven't really been getting anything much done here, but I blame it on the holidays. No, I take that back. I've been getting things done, slowly but surely. It's Australia, everyone's drinking and celebrating and drinking. Plus, it's summer and it's hot. Plus, it's laid back Australia here. Who am I kidding right?

The night the above picture was taken, I was hanging with some Brisbane graffiti boys. They were all drawing on stickers and in a drunken state I put one up thinking it would get taken down the following day. It's still there.

I have to admit, I am having the most fun I've had here since when I first arrived 4 years ago. I've made some good friends and I hate that I'll be going away yet again, starting a new life, yet again, but I always believe in the idea of until we meet again...